There are people out there that have had a bad relationship and are happy to exit what was along and arduous battle. There are people out there who have hate towards each other over what has happened. I know some of them and I understand why, but it isn't me. That isn't what happened here.
I have been struggling for a long time to figure out how to put into words what happened, how to convey my thoughts and feelings, and how to determine where I am headed. None of those answers are easy and 8 months after I came home to an empty house, I am not much closer to those answers, if there are any. And I am no farther away from the hurt and pain I feel at the ongoing loss of our relationship.
I had a friend describe a separation as a death in the family, but it falls short of encompassing the ongoing pains- a daily death with a person who is still tangible and within reach. One you may have to interact with again and again. Separation lacks the finality and structure to put the process to rest that death and destruction have.
Although I have thoughts and theories on why it didn't work, concerns about how I could have changed that, and regret on not being able to halt the spiral, it doesn't really matter why it didn't work; it just didn't. I don't regret a moment of my time with my husband. I still, even 8 months after he left, feel like I married the right man and would do it again in a heartbeat. We had rough times, but I think we worked well together and all the things I love about him, I still love about him. I am just angry he left and sad that I don't know how to make things better.
However at this point we are beyond that. Now I am trying to take the step from where I was to where we are going. I need to be released from my hope that something will change and move on. I still love my husband and doubt that will ever go away. One day we may even be friends again, but not for now.
I have been struggling for a long time to figure out how to put into words what happened, how to convey my thoughts and feelings, and how to determine where I am headed. None of those answers are easy and 8 months after I came home to an empty house, I am not much closer to those answers, if there are any. And I am no farther away from the hurt and pain I feel at the ongoing loss of our relationship.
I had a friend describe a separation as a death in the family, but it falls short of encompassing the ongoing pains- a daily death with a person who is still tangible and within reach. One you may have to interact with again and again. Separation lacks the finality and structure to put the process to rest that death and destruction have.
Although I have thoughts and theories on why it didn't work, concerns about how I could have changed that, and regret on not being able to halt the spiral, it doesn't really matter why it didn't work; it just didn't. I don't regret a moment of my time with my husband. I still, even 8 months after he left, feel like I married the right man and would do it again in a heartbeat. We had rough times, but I think we worked well together and all the things I love about him, I still love about him. I am just angry he left and sad that I don't know how to make things better.
However at this point we are beyond that. Now I am trying to take the step from where I was to where we are going. I need to be released from my hope that something will change and move on. I still love my husband and doubt that will ever go away. One day we may even be friends again, but not for now.
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